Acomplishments

We are plodding along without Dave ,husband and father. Some days we feel more his absence.
I read in a book on grief that we mustn't run away from that pain when it comes but move toward it to do the grief work and heal.So I write things in my journal and talk and pray ,and cry and laugh too.I also started work again, part time. The tiredness is therefore more often present.On some occasions at devotion time with Jeremy and Julie ,I try to talk about David and what grief is

On our own we have managed to :
-Make pizza
-Barbecue
-repair the hose
-clean a drain
-remember to clean the furnace filters.
Maybe it was "Beginner's grace" because the next time the pizza was a bit burnt, a bread didn't rise,I had to call a plumber to fix a leak in one sink and a clog in another,and I don't think I will tackle the hole to fill in the driveway even if I bought the stuff.People from the church have offered to help but I first got to find a place for my Dad's car witch is resting over the hole with a dead battery...

Soon We will tackle getting a family blog started. I think we will call it davebrownsfamilysjourney.blogspot.com .It might be bilingual or alternate languages.We shall see.

When I turn off the computer I see Dave's picture on my desktop. I say goodnight to him,and "yes I know it is late to go to bed at this hour", I stroke his 2 dimensional beard and blow him a kiss.

Liette

Inheritance

From Liette
Yesterday as Mom and Dad Brown were here for thanksgiving weekend,we went to hear Jeremy and Julie's participation in the musical worship team at their youth meeting at church. They did very well ,Julie at piano and Jeremy at guitar.

I thought to myself "what a precious inheritance David has left us: Music as well as Love and Worship for our Holy God (and lots of other good thing too)"

Aftermath

It has been a month since David's funeral.Things went smoothly thanks to the many people who helped. Our Ontario relatives went back home.School started for Jeremy and Julie.They are both in high school now.That seems to go well too.
Between times of PAAAPERWORK ,phone work, housework,errands,driving kids,I take time to see some friends and family and for walks, quiet listening and reflecting moments.I will be back at regular doctoring work part time in October (that's in 2 weeks!).
We have our "moments" but at other times it even seems abnormal that things should be so normal in our daily living as if Dave was just on a trip.
We were deeply touched that so many of you came to remember Dave at the church services in Montreal or Toronto.I am sorry we couldn't greet everyone especialy in Montreal but we were already late for the cemetery.Thank you also for all the sympathies many expressed in flowers,cards, emails and visits that encouraged us and showed your care for Dave and our family.
I was slow in writing.I thought I would wait until I got a new blog for the family but I haven't gotten that far yet.I will write some other time about what things we did manage to master.
I know that during grief, one can do "unusual "things.If some of you see one of us too "weird",please see us gently back to God's peace that surpasses all understanding.
For now I only changed the color of my hair to natural gray.It is less trouble but it may also be an external sign that something important changed recently,that someone intimately linked to my physical being has gone and that I am not the same for it.
I do agree at this time in our circumstances that "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".
I thank God for the grace of those wonderful 16 years we had together,and depend on His Grace for our future.
Liette

Goodbye

The accordion will remain silent.
David passed away on Sunday the 23rd of August at 11pm.
He went peacefully after having seen all the family that could come.
He kept a loving,kind and gentle spirit.
It is hard to think of not seeing,hearing or touching him again.
As he said "life is short"
Many people have been helpful and supportive.Thank you so much from Jeremy,Julie,myself and all his family.

Visitations will be held on Thursday August 27 from 2 to 5pm and 7 to 10pm,and Friday August 28 as of 9am at
La Maison Darche
Réseau Dignité
7679 boul. Tachereau
Brossard Qc.
www.dignitequebec.com

The funeral service will be held on Friday August 28 at 11am at
l'Eglise Evangelique du Semeur
2000 chemin Saint- Jean
Laprairie
followed by the burial at Notre-Dame des Neiges cemetery.

The blog might continue for a while. Keep checking.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles...
For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over in to our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows! 2 Cor 1: 3 - 5

Liette

running out of time

David is not doing well.He has fluctuations in being sleepy,tired and being more awake.The doctor doesn't give him much time... He has fought well.He is going soon but he is going HOME to his father's house,his creator,his savior where there will be no more sorrow or tears or death but a lot of love and music and creativity and I wonder what kind of computer!

Eyes on Jesus

These days,Dave is rather slowed down and sleepy.He is still under the orthopedist care but an oncologist an a pain specialist consult and try to adjust for the best treatment.
He still is not moving much and his left arm seems weaker too.
When we prayed today one of the things he said is" Lord I love you. You are great. Thank you for your compassion.Thank you for those who pray and help me. Bless them."
That made me think of the words of the song "Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace"

Back in a regular room

Dave was transfered to an orthopedic floor today for post-op.More tubes off.No air conditoning but we can bring table fans if we clean them regularly,and we do.We also bring fresh fruit witch are not often on the menu, and sometimes other treats...to enjoy.

Now talking

David is recuperating well from the operation.He was glad to have the intubation tube and the naso-gastric tube taken off.He expected to have a sore throat and hoarse voice for a while but it was OK by noon time.He ate and was reading and played twenty questions with Julie and me tonight.He will stay in the intensive care at least till tomorrow.Blood ,platelets etc..to be checked.
There are special beds in the IT unit and Dave really likes them.They nickname them" the transformers."The bed can become a chair and the mattress inflates and deflates in different places at different times so that the pressure on the body is not always in the same areas. How cool is that?

Post- op

David had his operation this afternoon.I did not see the surgeon to have all the details.
Around 7pm.,Dave was out of the operating area to intensive care for close monitoring (The surgeon had mentioned that probability).When I was able to see him, he was conscious , still intubated but breathing on his own. He could hear me and was trying to communicate.We finally had him write things on paper or white board and it all made sense . He even wrote me to" go to sleep".So I will do as I am told...
Liette

Tomorrow?

The results of some tests are in(good enough). Some platelets transfusions given.If they are high enough tomorrow,Dave should have surgery in the afternoon, positive note.He is weak though and has some pain in a new area.
Liette.

Delay

This morning Dave's platelets count was too low to do the operation for risk of bleeding.A test result still to come would point to the cause and best treatment. Maybe tomorrow ... So we wait. New things pop up. The unknown.
We have two plaques in our house, they help to keep our focus, one given at our wedding:"The will of God will never lead you where the grace of God cannot keep you" ,The second painted by Julie at a camp one or two years ago:"casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you" 1 Peter5:7

Another "Wave"

After 1) another MRI.
2)no improvement with radiotherapy, even some worsening
3)some more answers to our questions with various doctors
4)more prayers,
it was decided that David will be operated on tuesday august the 11th, to try to reverse the compression on the spinal cord at the level of the 4th dorsal vertebrae.
While we didn't know if the surgery would be today,our brother in law Jacques graciously drove Jeremy to his one week teen camp in the state of New-York,and Julie stayed with friends.
Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.
Thanks to so many who send us words of encouragements. It is greatly appreciated.Please understand if we don't reply to you individually.

To operate or not

Liette and I saw the spinal surgeon today.
After spending a while looking at the images of my spine,he surprised us by proposing to operate tomorrow.
Basically he had in mind a more straight-forward approach than before. While still a serious operation, it would be standard stuff for him.
The question for us is whether to simply rely on the radiotherapy treatments or not. If we just wait, will things turn out in time to reverse/stop the damage to the spinal cord?Should we have the operation right away and not take any chances even if it is more procedures?
We decided on a middle course: the surgeon will order another MRI to see if there are any sign that the compression is reducing.Then we'll make a decision about operating next week (unless there is a deterioration). This also gives Liette and I a chance to think and pray about it before giving an answer.

Charles Lemoyne Hospital

We often hear of problems with the health system but I have nothing but praise for the hospital where I am being treated.

I am amazed at the number and variety of professions involved in my case: oncologist, orthopedist, radiologist, physio-therapist, ergotherapist, technicians of various kinds, nurses and orderlies, not to mention all the support services. Everyone is friendly and helpful and everything is oriented towards the health and comfort of the patient.

I am really thankful for the quality of care I'm getting here. I'm even beginning to enjoy the food!

The photo at the top is by my son Jeremy. It shows the rays of hope shining out from the hospital. The crane on the right is for the construction of the new Monteregie Integrated Cancer Centre.(Liette calls the photo "The Glory and the Cross").

He showed how He loves me

This is a follow-up to yesterday's entry,"Show my enemies how You love me" so if you haven't done so already, read it first.
I don't want to forget that God's ultimate expression of love for me and for the whole world was his amazing victory over Death and Evil on the cross.
"For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only Son so that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16 NIV)

Show my ennemies how you love me

From Dave in the hospital.

The radiation therapy that I'm taking now is to deal with a lesion in my vertebrae which is pressing on my spinal cord.This is causing loss of feeling in my lower body and loss of force in my legs.If the pressure can be removed soon enough,the nerves can recover.After that, the paralysis becomes permanent.
This morning I was sent for a consultation in orthopedics to see if we should consider spinal surgery.(I was supposed to have the consultation yesterday but the spinal surgeon was called away while I was there waiting.)
The surgeon who looked at my case this morning wasn't sure what to do. He explained that he wasn't a spinal surgeon and that there wouldn't be one at the hospital for the next eight days. He might have to send me to another hospital for a consultation.
When I heard that,I really needed to pray, but I wasn't sure how to get started. Unable to think of anything else, I started reciting the 23rd Psalm.The following verse caught my attention:

"You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil
My cup overflows" ( Ps 23:5 NIV)

Who are my enemies here?
Figuratively speaking,Death and Disease. I remembered also that anointing someone's head was a sing of honor. My heart began to pray "Lord show my enemies how you love me"
As I prayed in my distress, who should come into the room but the spinal surgeon I missed yesterday! As I continued to pray he discussed the case with his colleague and gradually things became clear to them.

The operation, if it ever takes place, is an extremely difficult one, Therefore, we will give the radiation time to act. The surgeon has a next Thursday clinic, two days after my last radiation treatment. He'll evaluate me then. If my lower body condition seems to be stable or improving, we'll wait.If things are deteriorating, we'll have the possibility of operating rapidly should we decide to.

Please, my friends, join me in praying that it doesn't come to that.Pray for sings of improvement in the next few days. Finally,Thank the Lord for giving me the prayer I needed at just that moment,and then supplying answer as I prayed.

A trip cut short

Our family went to Elim lodge after the OK from Doctors.We enjoyed two days with the Brown relatives from Ontario.We were glad to have made it,but new symptoms of pain and changed sensation in Dave's lower body forced us to come back.We were transfered on tuesday the 28th of July from the Peterborough hospital to our CharlesLemoyne hospital on the south shore because they could not do tests and treatments in a timely fashion there.Later on Dave's legs became too weak to support him.
Yesterday,the MRI of the spine showed as expected compression of the spinal cord at the mid back level(T4), and he had the first of 5 radiotherapy treatments to that site.
We pray and hope
Our car and children stayed behind with our relatives who will take care of them till the end of the vacation week and bring them back.
In the midst of our troubles we came across the following verse, chosen for us by a friend:"Call upon me in the day of trouble (in french-distress);I will deliver you, and you will honor (in french-glorify) me "
This verse has really encouraged us to look for God's deliverance in this time of distress.
Liette

Vacation!

My family usually gets together for a week's vacation each summer, renting cottage or motel units at Elim Lodge in the Kawartha Lakes region of Ontario.

Last year I couldn't go because I had immunotherapy treatments at the hospital. Liette stayed with me, and we sent the children by train to Kingston, where my brother picked them up.

Three weeks ago, when it came time to pay the balance for this year, I was still in the hospital. We decided to cancel, since it didn't seem likely that I could make the trip.

However, with the radiation therapy last week, I began to feel better. I'm still not very mobile; I need a wheelchair, crutches or walker to get around, but I have a lot less pain. Apparently it can take up to six weeks to reach the full effect of the radiation therapy, so I can look forward to futher improvements.

As I began to feel better, we starting thinking about our trip again. The doctors even encouraged me to go. We called and found out that our unit was still available. Not only that, but they will supply the wheelchair for me and leave it in the unit! Little by little the other pieces of the puzzle fell into place, with the result that we are leaving this afternoon! We'll break up the drive by stopping overnight in Kingston.

We are all thrilled by this, and are looking forward to a great week (even if the forecast calls for rain for the next 6 days).

For Better Or For Worse

Friday was our 16th wedding anniversary.

In the morning, Liette took me to my appointment with the oncologist. We got the results from my latest blood test, which were encouraging - everything was in the normal range, although some of the values were just on the edge. This is a long way from being cured, but at least it's good news.

In the afternoon we went for my second last radiation therapy session. The therapy is helping - I have less pain and more mobility, but I still have a long way to go before I can even walk unaided.

After that we went on a few errands with Jeremy: taking the lawn mower to be fixed (we needed him to lift it in and out of the car) and buying barbecue accessories (he has a proprietary interest, since he and my niece assembled the new barbecue).

We ended up near one of our favourite "date" restaurants, so we brought him along for our anniversary supper!

Liette is a real blessing to me in this difficult time, with her faithful love and practical help.

I'm In His Hands

If only the cancer would stay still, I sometime feel the doctors could catch up to it, with radiation therapy and other treatments to deal with the symptoms. However, that's not how it is, so I find I need encouragement these days more than ever. Here's a note from one of my friends,

I've been thinking about Stanley Ditmer, composer of "I'm in His Hands". You probably know he wrote that while ill and expected to die with cancer. He went on to live many years after that!

"I shall not fear though darkened clouds may gather 'round me -
The God I serve is one who cares and understands.
What though the storms I face would threaten to confound me,
Of this I am assured: I'm in His hands.

What though I cannot know the way that lies before me,
I still can trust and freely follow His commands.
My faith is firm since He it is who watches o'er me;
Of this I'm confident: I'm in His hands."

Praise to God who not only watches over me, but holds me in His very own hands.

Radiation Therapy

On Tuesday, I was scheduled to see the Radio Oncologist to see if radiation therapy could help me. I have to admit that I was concerned that things would proceed slowly, with at least a week's wait before I would start treatment.

Not at all. When the doctor met me, it was clear that she had already studied my file and had identified possible sites to be treated. Furthermore, she had already set up appointments for marking and for my first treatment THE VERY SAME DAY. I was quite impressed and thankful.

So I have now actually had three treatments, and this series of will finish on Monday.

The sites being treated are those that caused me the most pain: the leg that was operated on, my right rear pelvis and my sternum. These are all locations where the cancer has attacked the bone (metastases).

The pain is already declining, but I still required help to walk, in the form of a walker or crutches. I have very little in the way of side effects, mostly just tiredness, plus some soreness at one of the radiation sites. Based on what I was told in March, it can take up to four weeks for the full benefits to be felt.

It's Me Again And I'm Back Home

I was released from hospital this afternoon. What a relief to get home and eat leftovers instead of hospital food :)

The staff at the hospital was wonderful in every way, but there's still "no place by home."

It's surprising how quickly life can change. A few weeks ago, even though I knew I had cancer, I was still feeling reasonably well and was still making long term plans. Then, bingo! Now, everything is up in the air.

Still, I got my hip operation soon enough, before the cancer could incapacitate me, and I have begun treatment for some of the other tumours, with more appointments to come. The future may remain a mystery, but there's lots to be thankful for in the present.

Thanks, Liette, for keeping my blog up to date while I was in hospital.

Thanks also to all those who continue to support us in thought and in prayer, and by helpful actions.

"Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for You are with me;" Psalm 23:4

Home again?

Tomorrow friday the 10th of july Dave is supposed to come home.
The doctors have controled the pain(without too much drowsiness),diminished his high calcium, gave him some blood,gave some medecine to eliminate the extra fluid etc...He is walking with a walker and has learned to manage steps with crutches.We will have follow up next week in oncology and radio-oncology.
Dave seems clinically better than his "chart"would have us think. --Your prayers are precious--
"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence so that we may recieve mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need" Hebrews4:16
Liette

treatments

Today the new oncologist (for the next 2 weeks on the ward)visited Dave.He will be getting a blood transfusion for anemia and I.V.'s for getting the calcium down. Maybe radiotherapy for the bone.
Things seem to be happening fast
Liette

Progress

Since 2 days, David is doing better. His pain is more controlled. We walks short distances by himself with a walker. He is less drowsy, but still has disturbing side-effects (dreams). He can receive visitors. He has been transfered to the oncology service and a pain management specialist also sees him. He is at the Charles-Lemoyne Hospital in Greenfield Park. I often print your e-mails and bring them to him. They encourage him a lot.

Liette

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty." Psalm 91:1

Hospital Stay

I am writing for David today. After going to the ER on Saturday the 27th, at the recommendation of the oncologist, because the pain in his leg was worse (he couldn't walk) and he had pain in his chest, he was seen on Monday the 29th by the orthopaedist who decided to operate on his hip that same day because a tumour there rendered it very likely to break. it was done under spinal anaesthesia. They put "cement" in the weak part, and pin and screw. He is recuperating from that at Charles-Lemoyne hospital. He should be able to walk. He was up on the chair for 2 meals yesterday. We still need to know the plan for the rest of the problems (tumours elsewhere). They are adjusting the medication so that his pain should be well controlled but not too many side effects like "sluggishness".

Many people are praying, sending notes, offering to help. Thank you so much. We see you are God's extended hands and heart.

"'Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,' says the Lord who has compassion on you." Isaiah 54:10

- Liette

The Bad News

Because my pain had increased dramatically, Liette and I went to the Emergency Department yesterday. We were eventually able to get a prescription for some stronger pain killers, to tide me over until I see my oncologist.

We were also able to get a new X-ray as well as the results of the recent scans:

• The cancer has attacked my left hip joint. They gave us a referral to the Orthopedic Clinic for Monday so that a specialist can look at the results to see if there is any imminent danger of fracture.
• There is also a new large tumour on my chest, just below the collarbone. This tumour is causing a lot of pain in my arms and chest. However, it seems to be just under the skin and the bone is not affected.
• The tumours on my liver, which had seemed to be dormant, have grown since the scan in March.
• There are other new, small tumours elsewhere.

Up until now, things seemed to be going well: I felt pretty good, except for the effects of the treatments, and was even hoping to return to work this summer. This is a real setback and has come as a blow to each member of the family, since it implies that I may only have a few months left.

On the positive side, the stronger pain-killers have made it a lot easier to function today, eve if I still have pain. We're very eager to know what treatment the oncologist will propose on Thursday.

Thanks to everyone for their thoughts and prayers. Although this change is discouraging, it doesn't in any way affect God's ability to intervene. The One who raised Jesus from the dead can easily restore my health, if such is His plan. We continue to trust in Him, whatever happens.

A Turn for the Worse

In the last couple of days, my leg has gotten worse, to the point where I can't walk with a cane anymore. Furthermore, I've begun to have a strong pain on the left side of my chest, a little lower than the collar bone. (No, it's not my heart.)

Liette went out this morning and got me crutches and a wheelchair. The crutches work well, but when we called the hospital, they recommended to not do anything that stressed that area or incurred a risk of falling. Therefore, after the kids stopped playing with the wheelchair, I laid the crutches aside and let myself be pushed around.

Because of the rapid changes we were advised to go to the Emergency department tomorrow morning. The oncologist on duty will probably order an x-ray, to make sure that bones are not affected. Meanwhile, my oncologist has requested a CT scan of my hip and left thigh; we're still waiting for the appointment.

Liette also used her doctor powers to get a summary of the report from last week's bone scan. It appears that there are some problems. We'll find out more either tomorrow at the emerg, or when we see the oncologist this Thursday.

As you can imagine, this has us quite concerned. Once I have some details, I'll post them here.

Thanks for your prayers.

Optimism

My leg is still giving me problems.

Earlier in the week, I stumbled while going out the patio door and landed heavily on my bad leg. I ended up using the cane for three days before the pain eased up.

Last night it started acting up again, and I had a lot of trouble finding a comfortable position to sleep. I didn't really get settled down until 2:30. I'm taking stronger pain-killers today and it feels a lot better.

Besides being painful, my leg gets in the way of family activities. For example, Jeremy and I set up the basketball net this week, and then played for a while. Actually, I stood still near the net, and he ran after the ball for me. Not that much fun.

There's a waterpark near us, that has just added a wave pool. We'd really like to go this summer as a family, since it's something all of us enjoy, but what's the point? If I need a cane to walk, I won't be able to bring it down the waterslides.

There's the worry, too. We don't yet know what's causing the problems with my leg, so of course we wonder if it's related to my cancer. Things have been going pretty well the last few months; is this the start of a downhill slide?

Normally, I'm a pretty optimistic person, with a positive attitude toward the future. As you can probably tell from the above, sometimes it's hard to maintain an optimistic outlook. That's why I love these words by Annie Johnson Flint:

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength his failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources,
Our Father's full giving is only begun.

Hop-a-long

For the last month or more, my left leg has been sore. It started out as a sore muscle that never cleared up. It then spread to my hip joint so that I limp slightly when I walk.

At my last appointment with the oncologist, she ordered x-rays of the left leg and pelvis, just in case there was a weakness in the bone caused by my cancer. The x-rays didn't show any problem, which is good news.

On Sunday my leg was much worse. I couldn't walk without help. I leaned on Jeremy to walk from the car to church. By the end of the church service, it was feeling better, and I could walk by myself again. We later realized that I had forgotten to take my medication the night before (pain killers and anti-inflamation), which explained why the pain was so much worse in the morning. Towards noon, the medication from that morning had taken effect, so I was back to

I have a bone scan in two days, which may tell us more. In the meantime, I have a really distinguished looking cane that I can use when I need to walk more that just a short distance.

What was that all about?

The painting in my last post was Edouard Manet's Corner in a café concert. It was just an indirect way of letting you know that I did buy an accordion.

The accordion I bought is a small model, which will make it easier for me to take it around. However, I am also looking for a larger one for when I need the full set of left hand buttons. If anyone has knows of a good deal on an accordion with 96 or 120 basses and full-size keys, let me know!

Third Cycle of Chemo

This cycle was pretty much like the last one. The first night was rough, with three episodes of vomiting in the middle of the night. The following nights were fine.

In the last cycle, the rash was much worse than in the first cycle, so this time I thought I would tackle it head on. As soon as the rash began to appear, I started the medication at full dosage. This was a mistake - I was far too drowsy the next two days. I slept 4 or 5 hours during the day, as well as 8 or 9 hours at night. The rest of the time I couldn't do much. It has taken time to get the dosage right, but now I'm feeling much better, although I'm drowsy in the mornings and itchy at night. Judging by the last cycle, I have about three more days to go before it disappears.

June Checkup

I saw the oncologist on Thursday. My blood test was fine, except for one little value that may be a sign of cancerous activity. I'm also having a little pain in my left leg. It's been there for a couple of weeks now. Naturally, I wonder if its cancer-related. The oncologist sent me right away for an x-ray. Everything looked normal, so at least I know that the bones are alright.

My CT scan is scheduled for the end of June; the results will be ready for my next appointment. This is the test we've all been waiting for: it will tell us what's happening to the tumour. The results will determine whether I continue with the same treatment or not. Fortunately this test is not affected by the current shortage of medical isotopes.

In general, I feel great right now. I start the third cycle of chemo tonight; that will slow me down a little.

Second Cycle Progress Report

It's now day 9 of my second cycle of chemo. It seems to be going pretty well.

• I was sick the first night, despite the anti-nausea medication, but the following nights were OK.
• The rash started a day earlier than last time and was more intense, but the doctor gave me some new medication. It's clearing up nicely now, although the medicine made me quite sleepy at first.
  
• I only had a headache once, for a couple of hours.

Other than that, I feel fine. I hope to buy an accordion tomorrow...

Detour

I've been reading the Biblical story of Joseph (Gen. 37-48). At age 17 he probably thought he knew where his life was going: marriage, kids, a career in the family business, eventual promotion to the top job.

Then his life took a big detour. Sold as a slave, then condemned to prison. Despite his innocence, it would be twenty years before he saw his family again. But the Lord was with him [37:2, 21] and raised him to the 2nd highest position in the land, and used him to save the lives of his family and all their dependents when the 7-year famine struck.

Joseph's experience encouraged me. I, too, hit a big bump in the road a year ago. I hope and trust that it will turn out to only be a detour. No matter what, though, I know the Lord is with me, and will use the situation for good.

One Cycle Done

Yesterday, I saw the oncologist - a checkup for the end of my first cycle of chemo. Everything is fine; my blood tests are OK. She just told me to call if the rash or headaches reoccur.

I start taking the pills for the second cycle on Sunday night. We won't know if it's working until the end of the third cycle, when I'll have another CAT scan.

Progress Report

It's now two weeks since I started my new treatment. Briefly,

Days 1 to 5 - I took the chemo pills, along with anti-nausea pills. Things were fine: I was tired, but not as much as when I was taking immunotherapy last year.

Day 6 - a rash appeared all over my body. Fortunately it didn't itch too badly.

Day 8 - started having headaches. Not too bad, but enough that I lost interest in reading and couldn't use the computer much.

Day 11 - headaches finally went away for good. Rash began fading.

Day 14 - a visual "aura" (zigzag lines) gradually appeared in my left eye. Cleared up after 20 minutes.

Day 16 - feeling pretty good, energy level is way up. No side-effects. Accordion playing has improved :)

Hope is an Accordion

My children think it's funny, my wife suspects a mid-life crisis, my friends won't understand, but... I'm going to take accordion lessons. After you've finished laughing, read on.

First of all, banish the image of jolly Herr Braun delighting the beerhall with another rousing polka. Picture instead the beret-clad Lebrun in a basement café off the Boul' Mich, the crowd falling silent as he begins La vie en rose...

Actually, I think the seeds of this idea were really planted 20 years ago, by the John Cougar Mellencamp song Cherry Bomb. That's more what I'm aiming at. I already use synthesized accordion sounds from time to time with the worship band at church, and I think it would be fun to play them live. Not to mention having a instrument that's portable and doesn't need to be plugged in!

Seriously, though, the real significance of all this is the renewal of hope. When I began my sick leave, last July, I thought had the idea of learning accordion as a way to fill the time, but I never had the energy for it. Then in January, when I learned that my cancer had come back, I gave up on it. What's the point of investing your last months on earth in acquiring a new skill?

Now, however, I'm feeling much better, and the prayers and encouragement of so many friends have helped me to believe I will be healed. It seems like this is my chance to do it. I've rented the instrument, found a teacher, and my lessons start in two days.

So, hope is an accordion - at least it isn't bagpipes!

(My apologies to bagpipe players, polka enthusiasts, and those who will have to listen to me practise.)

Chemo

Sunday night I started my new chemotherapy treatment. I have to take two pills a day for the first 5 days of every 28 day cycle. I'm glad it's covered by insurance: the two pills are very expensive. In fact, for the amount they cost I'd expect them to be the size of grapefruit, but they're only slightly larger than the other pills I take.

Because the chemo may cause nausea and vomiting, I also have some anti-nausea pills marked "take as required." What exactly does this mean? Since the anti-nausea pills take an hour to work, how am I supposed to know that I'm going to be sick in about an hour? Furthermore, I'm supposed to take the chemo pills on an empty stomach and the anti-nausea pills with meals!

After consulting with my doctor wife, I decided just take the chemo and see what would happen. It seems they weren't kidding: at 3:30 AM, feeling slightly sick to my stomach, I took the anti-nausea pills. Fifteen minutes later I threw up for the first time. I then proceeded to throw up every 15 minutes for the next hour.

Monday night I took my anti-nausea pill when I went to bed, and passed a peaceful night. Furthermore, neither of the pills seem to cause me problems the following day, so things are going well. Three cycles and then I have another scan to see if it's working!

He is Risen

A few people have told me they think I'm courageous for the way I'm facing a potentially life-threatening cancer. I don't feel courageous; I probably just lack the imagination to really believe that anything that bad could happen to me.

Yet underneath it all, I do have the firm conviction that if the worst happens and this cancer kills me, I will simply wake up in the presence my wonderful Saviour. Jesus has already gone ahead of me, from life, through death, to life eternal.

This is the triumph of Easter: our greatest hero has beaten our worst enemy.

"Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?"
The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
(1 Cor 15:55-57 NIV)

So Far, So Good

Today, I got the results from the CAT scan I had last week. Good news: the marks on my liver that showed up on January's scan have actually diminished in size, and the two on my lung appear merely to be small scars. This means that I only have one tumour, the one that was treated with radiotherapy.

This also means that I will be taking chemotherapy with Temodal, a drug which is taken orally for 5 days out of each 28-day cycle. The side-effects are relatively mild: nausea and possibly vomiting, and can be treated by other medication. Because it is taken orally, I won't need to be hospitalized, which is a relief, not just for me but for the whole family.

After three months, I'll have another scan to see if the tumour is responding to the treatment (either shrinking or at least not growing).

Where's The Urgency?

It's funny how we humans are. I was looking over my first posts to this blog and I was impressed by the sense of urgency I felt when I first got the news that my cancer had come back.

Now - when radiotherapy has temporarily curbed the symptoms, when friends have encouraged me to believe God will heal me, when my oncologist has explained her treatment plan - the situation doesn't grip me like before.

All the same, the problem is there. The cancer isn't cured, and the survival rate for this kind of cancer hasn't changed. I need a miracle as much as ever - I just don't feel it like I did.

Thanks to all those who have been faithfully praying for me, even when my own prayers have been lukewarm.

I Will Delight In Thee

Still reading my way through the Salvation Army Songbook, I came to "I know Thee who Thou art", by General Albert Orsborne. Although the language seems archaic now, the poetry is still so moving: beautiful and profound. This verse stuck with me:

Beside thee as I walk,
I will delight in thee
In sweet communion talk
Of all thou art to me;
The beauty of thy face behold
And know thy mercies manifold.

Imagine the spiritual depth that allowed him to write that! Although my experience with cancer is bringing me closer to God, I'm nowhere near that level; I don't even think I aspire to it.

Another thing for me to think about...

Another Small Step

I saw the oncologist yesterday. Guess what? I need another test, a CAT scan. Depending on the results, the next step will either be chemotherapy if the scan shows no new tumors or immunotherapy if it does.

For the chemotherapy, the drug would be Temodal, which is effective for a certain proportion of melanoma patients. The drug is given orally for 5 days out of every 28, and the side-effects are relatively minor. It would take about three months to tell if it was working.

For immunotherapy with Interleukin, I would need to be accepted for a research protocol, for example at the Montreal Jewish hospital. It would also depend on the availability of beds; I would need to be hospitalized for about one week out of every four while I received the treatment.

I should have my test in a week or two. Stay tuned for more developments.

Out of the Doghouse

No more sleeping on the sofa!

Since mid-January, I've been spending at least half of each night sleeping on the sofa in order to ease the pain. Thanks to the radiotherapy, I have a lot less pain on my right side. This means I am now able to sleep in more than one position and can spend the whole night in our bed. What a relief!

I am gradually cutting back on the pain relievers. Soon I'll be able to drive again, too, since I won't have to worry about grogginess or inattention!

But Will I Glow in the Dark?

I finished my radio-therapy today. It went well. I seem to have a bit less pain; apparently it can take up to two weeks for the full effects to be felt.

The radio-oncologist was satisfied. His goals were to reduce the pain, slow down or stop the growth of the tumour and prevent compression of the spinal cord. He feels confident that the treatment will achieve those goals.

Now on to the next step!

My Gang

I went to the office today - they had arranged a pizza lunch as a fun way for me to get together with my colleagues and give them my latest news.

We had a good time together. They are really a great bunch of people. No office politics, no one-upmanship, no troublemakers, gossipers or complainers. Just a team of competent people who enjoy their work and who enjoy working together.

They really gave me a lot of support and encouragement. I can't wait to return!

Fresh Courage

This morning I read the following by William Cowper

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take,
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy, and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Quite an encouragement from a man who battled depression throughout his life.

My Spider Sense is Tingling

I had my first radiation treatment yesterday. It actually doesn't take too long: 5 minutes to position me on the table and another 5 minutes for the radiation itself. Actually, it does tingle when it starts.

I didn't have much in the way of side effects: mild fatigue and nausea in the evening, lasting about an hour. I actually felt better during the night, with hardly any pain. That can't be due to the radiation, though; it's too soon for it to have taken effect.

Four more to go!

About Radiotherapy

I've been reading up a bit about radiotherapy, since I'm scheduled to start it on Thursday. It uses several beams coming from different directions that intersect at the tumour. In this way the tumour receives a higher dose than the healthy tissue surrounding it.

The treatment is spread out over five sessions to allow normal cells time to recover. Cancer cells are not as good at repairing the damage, causing them to die or to reproduce more slowly.

Because the beams have to be precisely positioned during each treatment session, I went in last Thursday for a positioning scan. They made a personalized mold to hold my legs and feet and also tattooed four dots on my chest to use as reference points each time.

So now I have my first tattoos, and not just one, but four. Won't my biker friends be impressed! I just hope my mother doesn't find out.

The Road Ahead (2)

It's starting to look like the last few weeks have been a vacation before I get into the real tough parts of my treatment.

The radiation therapy isn't supposed to be too bad; few side effects; an increase of pain at the beginning due to swelling; but overall an improvement afterwards.

The chemo and immuno are another matter. Both of them are supposed to be pretty rough. When I hear that I have to wait for the immunotherapy because there aren't any beds available, I kind of deduce that I'm going to be hospitalized, instead of staying in the comforts of home.

Then there's the uncertainty. I really haven't had much information in the last few weeks, and there is still no clear decision about the immunotherapy. The road ahead is shrouded in mist, and I don't have the map.

As I was thinking about that, the following came to mind:

And when I cannot see I'll trust
For then I know Thou surely must
Be still my all in all.

The only way I'll get through all this is to trust Him.

The Road Ahead (1)

We have a few more details (but not many) about my treatment program.

I will be beginning with radiation therapy, starting March 5. Because melanoma is very resistant to radiation, they will be using high doses targeted on a small area for a total of 5 sessions. The goal is to shrink the tumour, thereby reducing my pain, and gaining some time for the following treatments. They can only do this once because the target area is near the spine, which will be getting its maximum lifetime dose.

Once the radiation therapy is finished, I will be taking chemotherapy while we wait for a place to open up for immunotherapy. It appears that the chemo will be by the mouth, rather than by IV, so it should be less trouble to take. I don't know anything else about it yet, but I'll probably see my oncologist in the week of March 9.

The final step is immunotherapy. We don't yet know where. There are no beds available at the Montreal Jewish hospital right now.

Stay tuned!

A Night to Remember

A strange thing happened to me back in January, about two days before we got the news that the cancer had spread.

I was lying in bed, when I suddenly asked Liette, "why am I here?" Once she figured out that I wasn't joking or indulging in metaphysical introspection, she began to get worried. Being a doctor, she checked me out; I seemed fine physically, I just couldn't remember things. I didn't know what date or even year it was. When she told me it was January, I replied, "Then we must be past Christmas", but I couldn't remember what we did at all.

Liette took me to the hospital emergency. While we were waiting, I kept asking the same questions periodically, because I couldn't remember the answers she was giving me.

After some tests, I was admitted for observation at about 3 AM and put in a bed. During the night my memory started coming back. Thinking really hard, I began to recall what I'd had for lunch the day before; then the fact that I'd watched a video while I was eating; then which video it was. By the morning, I could remember everything except the period from 8 PM the previous to 3 AM that morning. That interval is forever lost to me; I am only able to relate what Liette told me afterwards.

After a forgettable hospital breakfast, the neurologist came to see me. After examining me, he said I was fine, and that I had had an episode of "Transient Global Amnesia." No one is very certain what causes it, but the good news is that it is very rare, and the chances of a reoccurrence are low.

He discharged me, and I was glad to get home. On the way, we stopped at Julie's school, so she could see I was OK. I left a message for Jeremy at his school so he wouldn't have to worry all day.

Ice Cream Therapy

Over Christmas, I lost about 2kg, despite spending 5 days eating my mother's great cooking. Given society's attitude about weight, I looked on this as a Pretty Good Thing. Then in January, after I had lost another 2kg, one of the doctors explained what was happening. When you have cancer, your body uses more energy to combat it, so you need to eat more calories. One of his suggestions was that I eat lots of ice cream.

Liette dutifully added it to the shopping list, asking me what flavours I liked, and I've been eating it in the evening after the kids go to bed, to avoid causing jealousy.

After eating my way through about 3 litres in the last two weeks, I can now report that even eating ice cream begins to be a chore when you have to do it!

My weight seems to have stabilized, though.

A Thankful Heart

This morning's Bible reading was Jesus feeding the five thousand (John 6:1-14). In verse 11,

Jesus then took the loaves, gave thanks, and distributed to those who were seated as much as they wanted. He did the same with the fish.

Imagine that! Jesus, through whom the universe was created, gave thanks for that simple meal of bread and fish.

I am very thankful for the gifts of God. I'm thankful to have food every day, as much as I want. I'm thankful to live in a peaceful country. I'm thankful for the four beautiful seasons we enjoy in Canada. I'm thankful for my wife, for my wonderful kids, for the fun we have together and for the love we share as a family. I'm thankful for the respect and support of my colleagues, and for people around the world who are praying for me.

I'm thankful, too, for the good in my current situation. Not for the cancer itself, but for its refining effect on my life, for the lessons I am learning, and for the way it draws me closer to God.

Thank you, Lord.

Our Children

Several people have asked how our children, Jeremy (14) and Julie (11) are doing.

They seem to be taking it well; they go about their normal activities the same as before. As a family we still laugh and have fun together. Not much has really changed, except that they are more affectionate toward me.

They are aware of the seriousness of the situation, but it doesn't touch them day to day, because I'm still in pretty good shape physically. I can't go skiing, and I haven't driven in over a month (because the pain medications might slow my reactions), but otherwise, I seem pretty much the same as always, just slower.

Simple or Complicated?

In this morning's reading, John 4:43-54, I was struck by verses 40 & 50 (NIV):

The royal official said, "Sir, come down before my child dies."
Jesus replied, "You may go. Your son will live."
The man took Jesus at his word and departed.

It seems so simple when you read it. Why is it so complicated for me?

Maybe it wasn't all that simple for him either. After all, the official had left his dying son, to travel for hours. And he returned home without trying to get Jesus to go with him.

That still leaves me with lots of unanswered questions about my own case. I guess the key is still to trust God, even if I don't have all the answers.

By the way, thanks to those of you who have contacted me about the blog. You are a real encouragement. A special thanks to the many people who are praying for me. What a gift to know that total strangers care!

Options

This morning I went to the hospital for a blood test. Although I don't know the details, it was some kind of genetic test, required to see if I would be eligible for a research project in the US. It takes about four weeks to get the results, so it was important to get the test as soon as possible.

While I don't have any details yet, it seems that there are currently three options:

1. Treatment with Interleukin at Hôtel-Dieu Hospital in Montreal as part of a research protocol.
2. A similar treatment at Hôtel-Dieu Hospital in Quebec City, if there isn't any room in Montreal.
3. A research project at the National Cancer Institute in the US. While I don't have any details, it appears that the treatment gives good results, and that the costs are borne by the NCI itself.

If you want to pray for me, please ask

• that the results from my blood test would come through rapidly
• for guidance for Liette and I when it comes time to decide which treatment to choose.
• that we put our trust entirely in God, and count on Him, not on the medical treatments (even though we are grateful for them).
  

1 Peter 5:7

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
        (New International Version)

I've been finding it helpful to have a store of Bible verses in my memory, even if I have to look them up to find out where in the Bible they are:)

This morning, this verse made me realize something about my attitude towards God. I know God is good, wise and all-powerful and I expect him to act accordingly. But somewhere, deep inside me, I sort of see his goodness as impersonal. That is, as if he does things because it's the right thing to do (like me!).

Somehow I need to get it into my head that He loves me, really loves me, and that His acts towards me are motivated by love, and not merely righteousness.

A Quick Status Report

Briefly,

• I'm feeling more energetic these days - the treatments that were tiring me out have been halted, since they weren't working.

• Two of the tumours are pressing on nerves in my back, causing pain on my all around my right side in a band above my waist, but the medication controls the pain pretty well.

• My oncologist is looking at three possible studies using interleukin to see if I am eligible: one in Montreal, one in Quebec City and one in the States somewhere. I hope to have more news this week.
  

So much help in the S.A. songbook

As I was praying during the night, God seemed so far away. Then this verse came to mind:

His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

Not another test!

In the last month, I've had a CT scan, a PET scan, an MRI, an ECG and about 5 blood tests. Today the pivot nurse (the co-ordinating nurse) called me to say I also need an EEG. She tried to schedule me at the hospital, but they're full up. She's trying to get me in at a nearby clinic, but so far the line's been busy all the time.

I have to say that I've gotten excellent service from the pivot nurses. It's really great to have someone inside the system working for me.

A Big Question

During the night, the following question came to me

If God gives me back my life, what will I do with it?

This sure gives me lots to think about. For the moment I don't have any ready answers.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord

Today at church we sang Blessed be the Name of the Lord. When when we reached the second verse, I had to sit down because I was sobbing.

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
(Matt and Beth Redman)

This is my determination, to affirm, even in the darkness, that God is good, and His name is forever blessed.

Sleeping

Today Liette and I went out and bought a new "memory-foam" mattress. It was on sale at about 40% off. Delivery will take 2 - 3 weeks, and I can hardly wait.

The tumours near my spine press on two sets of nerves, causing pain in a zone on my right side, running from the front all around to the back, just above waist level. The medications keep the pain pretty well under control, but if I try sleeping on anything but my left side, the pain gradually creeps up on me. Usually I spend about half the night on the sofa, because it's a lot softer than our bed, so my right hip and shoulder don't get too sore. I can even sleep on my back.

The new mattress should give me better support and allow me to sleep more normally.

Belief/Unbelief

My key thought yesterday was "Lord, if you don't heal me, I'm dead!" This helped me to pray with intensity all day. However, today the same thought has seemed a bit frightening.

I believe that God the Creator, has no limits; that healing me presents no difficulties for him. At the same time, this kind of miracle is not something we see very often, and I really, really need it. I have to admit that this scares me.

"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
Mark 9:24 (NIV)

Old Hundredth

I've decided to start reading the hymns in my battered old Salvation Army Songbook (1955 edition) as part of my daily devotions, starting from the beginning. Today's hymn was #2, "Old Hundredth."

This verse caught my attention:

For why? The Lord our God is good,
His mercy is for ever sure;
His truth at all times firmly stood,
And shall from age to age endure.

Zephaniah 3:17

Michel Robillard gave me this word of encouragement

The LORD your God is with you,
    he is mighty to save.
    He will take great delight in you,
    he will quiet you with his love,
    he will rejoice over you with singing.

O I Need Thee

I need Thee every hour,
   Most gracious Lord,
No tender voice like Thikng
   Can peace afford.

Priorities

Michel Robillard asked me a very pertinent question when he and Diane came over to pray with us. Was I counting on the doctors to cure me, and viewing God as the backup solution, or was I really counting on Him first (allowing him to work through the doctors if He so choses)?

This has helped me to pray more fervently.

PET Scan

My oncologist has found a research protocol at the Jewish General hospital that my help me. One of the items they need to determine if I'm eligible is a PET scan. I was scheduled for one tomorrow at Hôtel-Dieu, but I got a call today saying their machine is broken, and my scan is cancelled. They have to reschedule 60 patients; they'll call me back with a new date.

It could take weeks. I can't afford to wait, so I'm going to have it done in a private clinic. My insurance will cover 75%.