The Road Ahead (2)

It's starting to look like the last few weeks have been a vacation before I get into the real tough parts of my treatment.

The radiation therapy isn't supposed to be too bad; few side effects; an increase of pain at the beginning due to swelling; but overall an improvement afterwards.

The chemo and immuno are another matter. Both of them are supposed to be pretty rough. When I hear that I have to wait for the immunotherapy because there aren't any beds available, I kind of deduce that I'm going to be hospitalized, instead of staying in the comforts of home.

Then there's the uncertainty. I really haven't had much information in the last few weeks, and there is still no clear decision about the immunotherapy. The road ahead is shrouded in mist, and I don't have the map.

As I was thinking about that, the following came to mind:

And when I cannot see I'll trust
For then I know Thou surely must
Be still my all in all.

The only way I'll get through all this is to trust Him.

The Road Ahead (1)

We have a few more details (but not many) about my treatment program.

I will be beginning with radiation therapy, starting March 5. Because melanoma is very resistant to radiation, they will be using high doses targeted on a small area for a total of 5 sessions. The goal is to shrink the tumour, thereby reducing my pain, and gaining some time for the following treatments. They can only do this once because the target area is near the spine, which will be getting its maximum lifetime dose.

Once the radiation therapy is finished, I will be taking chemotherapy while we wait for a place to open up for immunotherapy. It appears that the chemo will be by the mouth, rather than by IV, so it should be less trouble to take. I don't know anything else about it yet, but I'll probably see my oncologist in the week of March 9.

The final step is immunotherapy. We don't yet know where. There are no beds available at the Montreal Jewish hospital right now.

Stay tuned!

A Night to Remember

A strange thing happened to me back in January, about two days before we got the news that the cancer had spread.

I was lying in bed, when I suddenly asked Liette, "why am I here?" Once she figured out that I wasn't joking or indulging in metaphysical introspection, she began to get worried. Being a doctor, she checked me out; I seemed fine physically, I just couldn't remember things. I didn't know what date or even year it was. When she told me it was January, I replied, "Then we must be past Christmas", but I couldn't remember what we did at all.

Liette took me to the hospital emergency. While we were waiting, I kept asking the same questions periodically, because I couldn't remember the answers she was giving me.

After some tests, I was admitted for observation at about 3 AM and put in a bed. During the night my memory started coming back. Thinking really hard, I began to recall what I'd had for lunch the day before; then the fact that I'd watched a video while I was eating; then which video it was. By the morning, I could remember everything except the period from 8 PM the previous to 3 AM that morning. That interval is forever lost to me; I am only able to relate what Liette told me afterwards.

After a forgettable hospital breakfast, the neurologist came to see me. After examining me, he said I was fine, and that I had had an episode of "Transient Global Amnesia." No one is very certain what causes it, but the good news is that it is very rare, and the chances of a reoccurrence are low.

He discharged me, and I was glad to get home. On the way, we stopped at Julie's school, so she could see I was OK. I left a message for Jeremy at his school so he wouldn't have to worry all day.

Ice Cream Therapy

Over Christmas, I lost about 2kg, despite spending 5 days eating my mother's great cooking. Given society's attitude about weight, I looked on this as a Pretty Good Thing. Then in January, after I had lost another 2kg, one of the doctors explained what was happening. When you have cancer, your body uses more energy to combat it, so you need to eat more calories. One of his suggestions was that I eat lots of ice cream.

Liette dutifully added it to the shopping list, asking me what flavours I liked, and I've been eating it in the evening after the kids go to bed, to avoid causing jealousy.

After eating my way through about 3 litres in the last two weeks, I can now report that even eating ice cream begins to be a chore when you have to do it!

My weight seems to have stabilized, though.

A Thankful Heart

This morning's Bible reading was Jesus feeding the five thousand (John 6:1-14). In verse 11,

Jesus then took the loaves, gave thanks, and distributed to those who were seated as much as they wanted. He did the same with the fish.

Imagine that! Jesus, through whom the universe was created, gave thanks for that simple meal of bread and fish.

I am very thankful for the gifts of God. I'm thankful to have food every day, as much as I want. I'm thankful to live in a peaceful country. I'm thankful for the four beautiful seasons we enjoy in Canada. I'm thankful for my wife, for my wonderful kids, for the fun we have together and for the love we share as a family. I'm thankful for the respect and support of my colleagues, and for people around the world who are praying for me.

I'm thankful, too, for the good in my current situation. Not for the cancer itself, but for its refining effect on my life, for the lessons I am learning, and for the way it draws me closer to God.

Thank you, Lord.

Our Children

Several people have asked how our children, Jeremy (14) and Julie (11) are doing.

They seem to be taking it well; they go about their normal activities the same as before. As a family we still laugh and have fun together. Not much has really changed, except that they are more affectionate toward me.

They are aware of the seriousness of the situation, but it doesn't touch them day to day, because I'm still in pretty good shape physically. I can't go skiing, and I haven't driven in over a month (because the pain medications might slow my reactions), but otherwise, I seem pretty much the same as always, just slower.

Simple or Complicated?

In this morning's reading, John 4:43-54, I was struck by verses 40 & 50 (NIV):

The royal official said, "Sir, come down before my child dies."
Jesus replied, "You may go. Your son will live."
The man took Jesus at his word and departed.

It seems so simple when you read it. Why is it so complicated for me?

Maybe it wasn't all that simple for him either. After all, the official had left his dying son, to travel for hours. And he returned home without trying to get Jesus to go with him.

That still leaves me with lots of unanswered questions about my own case. I guess the key is still to trust God, even if I don't have all the answers.

By the way, thanks to those of you who have contacted me about the blog. You are a real encouragement. A special thanks to the many people who are praying for me. What a gift to know that total strangers care!

Options

This morning I went to the hospital for a blood test. Although I don't know the details, it was some kind of genetic test, required to see if I would be eligible for a research project in the US. It takes about four weeks to get the results, so it was important to get the test as soon as possible.

While I don't have any details yet, it seems that there are currently three options:

1. Treatment with Interleukin at Hôtel-Dieu Hospital in Montreal as part of a research protocol.
2. A similar treatment at Hôtel-Dieu Hospital in Quebec City, if there isn't any room in Montreal.
3. A research project at the National Cancer Institute in the US. While I don't have any details, it appears that the treatment gives good results, and that the costs are borne by the NCI itself.

If you want to pray for me, please ask

• that the results from my blood test would come through rapidly
• for guidance for Liette and I when it comes time to decide which treatment to choose.
• that we put our trust entirely in God, and count on Him, not on the medical treatments (even though we are grateful for them).
  

1 Peter 5:7

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
        (New International Version)

I've been finding it helpful to have a store of Bible verses in my memory, even if I have to look them up to find out where in the Bible they are:)

This morning, this verse made me realize something about my attitude towards God. I know God is good, wise and all-powerful and I expect him to act accordingly. But somewhere, deep inside me, I sort of see his goodness as impersonal. That is, as if he does things because it's the right thing to do (like me!).

Somehow I need to get it into my head that He loves me, really loves me, and that His acts towards me are motivated by love, and not merely righteousness.

A Quick Status Report

Briefly,

• I'm feeling more energetic these days - the treatments that were tiring me out have been halted, since they weren't working.

• Two of the tumours are pressing on nerves in my back, causing pain on my all around my right side in a band above my waist, but the medication controls the pain pretty well.

• My oncologist is looking at three possible studies using interleukin to see if I am eligible: one in Montreal, one in Quebec City and one in the States somewhere. I hope to have more news this week.
  

So much help in the S.A. songbook

As I was praying during the night, God seemed so far away. Then this verse came to mind:

His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

Not another test!

In the last month, I've had a CT scan, a PET scan, an MRI, an ECG and about 5 blood tests. Today the pivot nurse (the co-ordinating nurse) called me to say I also need an EEG. She tried to schedule me at the hospital, but they're full up. She's trying to get me in at a nearby clinic, but so far the line's been busy all the time.

I have to say that I've gotten excellent service from the pivot nurses. It's really great to have someone inside the system working for me.

A Big Question

During the night, the following question came to me

If God gives me back my life, what will I do with it?

This sure gives me lots to think about. For the moment I don't have any ready answers.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord

Today at church we sang Blessed be the Name of the Lord. When when we reached the second verse, I had to sit down because I was sobbing.

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
(Matt and Beth Redman)

This is my determination, to affirm, even in the darkness, that God is good, and His name is forever blessed.

Sleeping

Today Liette and I went out and bought a new "memory-foam" mattress. It was on sale at about 40% off. Delivery will take 2 - 3 weeks, and I can hardly wait.

The tumours near my spine press on two sets of nerves, causing pain in a zone on my right side, running from the front all around to the back, just above waist level. The medications keep the pain pretty well under control, but if I try sleeping on anything but my left side, the pain gradually creeps up on me. Usually I spend about half the night on the sofa, because it's a lot softer than our bed, so my right hip and shoulder don't get too sore. I can even sleep on my back.

The new mattress should give me better support and allow me to sleep more normally.

Belief/Unbelief

My key thought yesterday was "Lord, if you don't heal me, I'm dead!" This helped me to pray with intensity all day. However, today the same thought has seemed a bit frightening.

I believe that God the Creator, has no limits; that healing me presents no difficulties for him. At the same time, this kind of miracle is not something we see very often, and I really, really need it. I have to admit that this scares me.

"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
Mark 9:24 (NIV)

Old Hundredth

I've decided to start reading the hymns in my battered old Salvation Army Songbook (1955 edition) as part of my daily devotions, starting from the beginning. Today's hymn was #2, "Old Hundredth."

This verse caught my attention:

For why? The Lord our God is good,
His mercy is for ever sure;
His truth at all times firmly stood,
And shall from age to age endure.

Zephaniah 3:17

Michel Robillard gave me this word of encouragement

The LORD your God is with you,
    he is mighty to save.
    He will take great delight in you,
    he will quiet you with his love,
    he will rejoice over you with singing.

O I Need Thee

I need Thee every hour,
   Most gracious Lord,
No tender voice like Thikng
   Can peace afford.

Priorities

Michel Robillard asked me a very pertinent question when he and Diane came over to pray with us. Was I counting on the doctors to cure me, and viewing God as the backup solution, or was I really counting on Him first (allowing him to work through the doctors if He so choses)?

This has helped me to pray more fervently.

PET Scan

My oncologist has found a research protocol at the Jewish General hospital that my help me. One of the items they need to determine if I'm eligible is a PET scan. I was scheduled for one tomorrow at Hôtel-Dieu, but I got a call today saying their machine is broken, and my scan is cancelled. They have to reschedule 60 patients; they'll call me back with a new date.

It could take weeks. I can't afford to wait, so I'm going to have it done in a private clinic. My insurance will cover 75%.